The Will to Change: Men, Masculinity, and Love

Short review—a great primer for any man looking to change. Just a touch of back story. As a kid I saw the Old Boys Club antagonize my mom in all kinds of nasty ways, so I decided my way of being a man would be to “do no harm” essentially embrace a sort of neutral passivity… which kinda worked, but I’ve found passivity allows the patriarchy to still hold sway, and I am often still complicit. So, I’ve been exploring what a healthy assertive masculinity would look like. A friend of mine recommended bell hook’s book “The Will To Change: Men, Masculinity, and Love” saying it is the only book out there addressing Alternative Masculinity. “The Will To Change” is a broad description of what the Patriarchy does to men—Dr. hooks describes a totalized system, I have to admit I’ve not experienced all the manifestations of patriarchy described, but I’d imagine that just means I’m either lucky or have some blinders.What follows are a few points made throughout the book:-Patriarchy does not allow for relationship Dr. hooks begins with the statement that women fear men, for we are a constant threat of violence to them. She uses an intense example by Barbara Deming, who describes the first time she felt true intimacy with her father, which was when she held his corpse. It was the first time there was no threat of violence in him. Put simply, Patriarchy involves domination, and love and domination can’t coexist. So, all intimacy within patriarchal culture is pretend intimacy.-The Patriarchy involves Domination Men living under the Patriarchy are constantly asking where they are on the social pecking order. There can be no sign of weakness. Instead of finding self-esteem in a man’s individual identity it is always found in relation to other men. Any sign of weakness is shamed. The question is always “who is on top?” “who is dominating who?”. One of the silly thing men often do is answer questions even if they don’t know the right answer, or were not asked the question—this is because not having the answer causes shame and shows weakness. So, mansplaining, for example, is an attempt to not be shamed.-“Psychic self-mutilation” Boys become men when they learn to stop expressing their emotions. This is a horrendous loss, and within the Patriarchy manhood is reaffirmed by learning to only grieve this loss in private. Dr. hooks suggests the anti-social stage of development in boys may in fact be the point at which they learn to stop expressing their emotions. There are multiple masks men learn to use to hide this grief and other emotions. In general the mask is compartmentalization. This causes men to distrust everyone, after all if they are masking their pain, everyone is lying. Often times boys living in anti-patriachal homes lead a double life at home and at school. Additionally, Workaholism is a mask that is rewarded and encouraged by pretty much everyone. Work is a place to escape the self. It encourages a sense of separate spheres, men work and make money, women work at home and do the emotional work for men. Another major mask is sex. The Patriarchy has told men that sex is the only space for intimacy and release of emotions. This causes men to have a constant sense of sexual scarcity, after all they are told sex does the work of all passions, sensualities, and relationships. “All human needs are promised to us by way of sex and sexuality.” It isn’t put in its proper place as “one pleasure among many pleasures.” Dr. hooks warns women ought not ignore the pain the Patriarchy inflicts upon men, as they too can be socialized into psychic self-mutilation.-Change is hard Popular culture props up the Patriarchy, even when it tries to be thoughtful about masculinity. For example, American Beauty, Life as a House, and Monsters Ball all depict men critically reflecting upon their emotional life, and they all end up dead. Who would choose to embrace a practice that he is told will lead to his destruction? Men are often bought off by the Patriarchy. Dr. hooks describes a gentle quiet feminist man who assumed a macho persona and was rewarded for it. Women were drawn to him, he was noticed publically and professionally, and “his feminism ceased.” At times mainstream feminism gives men who want to change mixed messages, “Hold onto ideas about strength and providing for others… while dropping your investment in domination and add an investment in emotional growth.” It’s important to remember that women also enforce patriarchal norms. The following conversation is a norm:“How do you feel?”“Like there is something missing, I’m in pain and I think society hates me.”“Shut-up.” Similarly, men recovering from substance abuse often have the experience of being told by their partner, “Now that you are sober you no longer need to express your feelings.” Finally, as long as the Patriarchy is the water in which we swim, men who want to change will be left resource-less. “Men will never receive support from patriarchal culture for their emotional development.”-But it is worth it “Anytime a single male dares to transgress patriarchal boundaries in order to love, the lives of women, men, and children are fundamentally changed for the better.”

Growing up in a conservative, religious environment, I was often taught to stay away from feminist books, with the caution that they would poison my mind. Contrary to that advice, I have found nothing more liberating than to read books that validate my experience, and interrupt the silent hatred that has bubbled in my being as a result of witnessing the patriarchy at play.In The Will to Change, bell hooks isn't spreading concepts of feminism through a binary lens of men vs. women. She claims that believing in a concept of male supremacy is as erroneous as spreading ideas of female supremacy. In order for the feminist movement to progress, we need men. Period. She posits that women need a space to process the experiences of living in a patriarchal society, and that we need a space to acknowledge and expose the feelings that arose and still linger as a result of said experiences. We need to engage in our own healing so we can form alliances with men. Patriarchy has no gender, y'all. We are all victims, and must work together to dismantle it.

This book is a conglomeration of beautiful solutions for half-heartedly established truths. hooks’ basic ideas of love, affirmation, and acceptance allow her to navigate the dark waters of violent masculinity dispensing advice for overthrowing patriarchy in ways that (I imagine) are convincing even traditionally masculine readers.In the early chapters, she emphasizes practicing unconditional love for maleness in the same way contemporary feminism often expresses love for femininity (as opposed to current patriarchal culture in which “men are not allowed to simply be who they are and to glory in their unique identity”). She discusses how patriarchy harms men via emotional castration of boys (“psychic self-mutilation”). Her desires to counter masculine violence and domination with acceptance and partnership don’t come across as threatening towards men, but feel as if they’re coming from a place of warmth and even sympathy towards mens’ condition in patriarchy.This sympathy is refreshing because it counters the sort of adversarial narratives that certain anti-male feminists have launched into the spotlight (hooks wisely points out how patriarchal media has tried to give this narrow body of feminists a disproportionate share of the spotlight to mobilize male resistance to feminist movements in general). She identifies a common, mistaken equivocation of ‘patriarchy’ with ‘male chauvanism’ (one’s a symptom, one’s a root cause). In my favorite quote from the book, she summarizes the contradiction of anti-male feminists (as well as swathes of activists who define the core of their platform in terms of opposition): “By placing the blame for the perpetuation of sexism solely on men, these women could maintain their own allegiance to patriarchy, their own lust for power. They masked their longing to be dominators by taking on the mantle of victimhood.” hooks acknowledges the value of critical analysis of gender roles, but insists that it cannot replace affirmation as a tool for bringing an end to the dominator model of society. In these moments hooks is at her best, countering all forms of power and subjugation from all sides with a need for a more fundamental model of acceptance.Unfortunately, as the book progresses hooks takes for granted the need to convince her audience of symptoms of patriarchy, and gradually leans more on hollow narratives. She cites the etymology of “F**k” (taken from a Robert Jensen essay) to establish how widespread male sexual violence is. This kind of reasoning is deeply frustrating to read. If I was not convinced of the universality of male sexual violence before arriving to that example, I would certainly not have changed my mind on the basis of how the word “f**k” has two meanings in English. Similarly, every reference to rap music misses the mark, like gangsta rap as a conspiracy by white male executives as a tool to enforce patriarchal values in white boys. This is an offense to the rich history of black art and hip hop that have their own, separate history rooted in a separate system of oppression. References to popular media often fall flat: I’m willing to entertain the possibility that the Matrix is a narrative of white racial supremacy dominating a dark-skinned other, but I refuse to accept this at face value.hooks tends to lean on case studies to establish the presence of broad social problems. This is a double-edged sword: Statistics can be an alienating alternative to personal experience when you want to connect to and convince an audience that probably shares those experiences. But if your audience can’t relate to these experiences, then they will resist any generalization of personal experience to a wider demographic. If I shared hooks’ history of being a woman, overcoming abuse, and overcoming racism then I would follow along when she speaks of the wider population of men as equally abusive, sexually violent, dominant, and so on. But I can’t relate, and so I’m guarded against this reasoning. This gets to my core complaint against hooks’ writing, which is that her target audience seems to be people who more often than not share her experiences. For readers outside of this group (read: Men), much of her descriptions of patriarchy will come across as lazily unconvincing.I read the first half of this book in one or two sittings, then gradually read smaller bits as I became bored with the increasingly flawed arguments (before quitting at the last chapter). I wish this were two different books, so that I could give 4 stars to the first half and 2 stars to the second half.edit: apparently this review was rejected for using the word "f**k". how absolutely stupid.

This is one of the most important books I've read, and I've read a lot. bell is so right that patriarchy has no gender, and I don't see how we fix things until we get this concept in it's full depth and with all it's implications. What astounds me is the extraordinary generosity of this book: as a white man from New England, this black woman from Kentucky, who's background could not be more different from my own, she has taught me a very great deal about the core issues in my life, family, and culture. I would also suggest reading Carol Gilligan's "The Birth of Pleasure," which covers similar ground from a different angle and is just as good.

Bell Hooks is one of my favourite authors, and this book did not dissapoint!Sometimes as women, we are so quick to demonise men and forget that we often perpetuate the same patriarchy that we are fighting to abolished. Hooks talks about men, emotions and how women are not always able to handle a man who is emotive and likes to talk about he feels. We have been conditioned to believing that masculinity equates to being hard and showing no emotion, so when a man finally does show/ discuss his emotions.. we have no idea how to handle it.Hooks is a great author when it comes to intersectionality of different factors that affect one's behaviour etc. Great read!

I wasn't familiar with Bell Hook's work before reading this book.The book is inspiring. It provides a vocabulary for many of those things we experience but can't quite define on our own. Bell Hook's writing soothes the soul, she is truly compassionate. She contextualizes personal experience providing a clear and coherent picture of her broader, radical vision.Following this reading, I was ready to explore more of her work.

bell hooks manages a tour de force by bringing an empathetic perspective to the feminist struggle. She calls men 'Comrades in Struggle' and analyses how patriarchy affects all genders. Beyond her analysis of the current challenges, she offers ideas and suggestions for moving forward towards healing and flourishing for both men and women.

Love bell hooks and all she has to say on what patriarchy and feminism is REALLY about.

We must change.