Not Your Mother's Rules (The Rules)

It has been nearly 20 years since Ellen and Sherrie first published a cultural jugernaut of a book called The Rules, a rather unexpected best seller that has us still talking no matter what we say otherwise. While I still turn to the first book for insights and advice (as many do), they needed to publish a supplement to it because things have changed rather drastically since it's first publication in 1995. The entire world was not carrying cell phones, did not go online for any purposes everyday, and there were no social networks. At last, the supplemental materials have been published on how to be a Rules Girl in the digital age. Like it or not, technology has changed us as a people.Firstly, this book is addressing both Rules girls of a certain age (from 18 to 80) who are either the dyed in the wool Rules Girls like their example of the fictional Melanie from their first book or Born Again Rules Girls who have tried and failed by being the aggresor. This book also addresses a unique situation that was latent - mothers who are trying to train their daughters to be Rules Girls in the digital age. Even though I am far more mature (at age 38) than when their first book was published, technology did allow some latent problems and affects. Even if Mom is trying to tell her daughter to do and not do this or that, Mom has little to no control over what her daughter is or isn't doing online (and may not know how to use techno toys in order to instruct correctly). What to do? This book supplies you with some excellent pointers on how to deal with remaining a CUAO in the digital age. Second, keep in mind that there are a few (and I do mean a few) among the population who still are not using modern technology for whatever reason. If this is the case, then you can fall back on the older Rules without any problems. However, since we have to assume that a person is plugged in somehow we must learn to deal with it. If you are among the small percentage of the population that is not plugged in, then you better get plugged in or it will come back to bite you somehow. With that being said, here is a review of what they published:1) Texting - Everyone texts today for a variety of purposes. It is commonplace for people to talk this way about anything and everything. I see this advice as a very good one because we now spend so much time glued to our phones when we are not before the computer. It's hard to not be, to be sure, but if and when a man sends a text for something, wait for a bit. There is a chart in the book depending on your age on how long to wait to respond to a text. And don't let him know that you left the phone at home, that you were busy doing (blank), etc. which is why you didn't text back. Just respond however you were going to respond. Excessive texting by either party says that you are clingy and desperate.2) IM - While we have to be in front of the computer to do this, make yourself unavailable so that you can't be reached if and when he's there. Admittedly, this is annoying when someone does this constantly. If you are there and someone sends an IM, respond appropos. If it's a man and he asks you out this way, don't accept immediately for that night. Once, a few years ago, I was on Facebook on a Saturday night and some guy sent me an IM. We began to chat, he asked if I wanted to meet him for dinner that night and I said yes. I went to the restaurant, we met, talked, had a nice time. I drove home (alone) and I never heard from him again. He liked a few of my Facebook updates, but he never initiated another conversation or a phone call or anything. I figured that he would initiate something again if he was interested enough. He said he was, but actions speak louder than words. Last year, I updated my relationship status and he unfriended me after literally YEARS of being friends. What happened? He never contacted me again, he was not interested enough, and then he got jealous of my being with someone else. Life goes on, it happens.3) Social Networks (Facebook) - Facebook has changed our lives, no question about that. Not only are we connected, but we have an unbelievable means of sharing all kinds of information with the world. Friending/unfriending has become almost a cardinal sin among social groups. The ultimate insult is to unfriend/block someone. Follow these rules when it comes to friending/unfriending:A) Do not friend him unless he wants to friend you.B) Do not friend his friends/family unless he says it's ok for you to do so.C) Do not keep being friends with him on Facebook if it comes to an end.I agree completely with this. My last serious boyfriend broke it off, within 5-6 months he got a new girlfriend. It was far too painful to see all the lovely dovey posts between him and her when he was not doing the same with me (and I wasn't putting posts of any kind on his wall), so I unfriended him. His sister and mother unfriended me over that. Painful? Sure it is, but that was double hurtful. I have since accepted it and have moved on, I had no choice in the matter. I'd also like to add in this situation that he was with me for six months and he never said "I love you". After two months he moved in with the new girlfriend as he was looking to get out of his mom's house, even though she's taking care of him and he seems to now have to do what Mommy tells him, he really had to say "I love you" to her, doesn't he? Don't friend his friends/family unless you somehow knew them already before.4) Photos/Sexting - Don't do this. I mean really, you never know how what will/won't end up somewhere somehow. A man who does this to you is not serious about you, and neither are you about him. Do you really expect someone who sends you a naked photo of themselves to you (or asks you to do to them) is husband/boyfriend material? If the answer is "I don't know", then you really have to ask yourself why you are even reading this review let alone reading the book to begin with. A few years ago, I was on an online dating site and made a connection with a man who asked me to send another photo of myself. He badgered me via text for a day or two, and finally I sent him one of me. It was not sexy in any way, it was a headshot of me in the mirror after a haircut. He texted back "THanks". And then nothing else. I just assumed Next! and moved on. Months later I get a call on my cell from a number I didn't recognize and it was him asking if I still wanted to meet. I said "No thank you", he seemed surprised/angry and asked "Why not?". I said "You'll understand" and hung up.5) Moving - NEVER MOVE unless you have been specifically asked to do so, whether it's for educational or work means. If and when he breaks it off if he tells you all the signs that were given in this chapter, you will be stuck living in a city where you don't know anyone and probably unhappy that you have uprooted. I had a former friend who moved to another city in pursuit of her boyfriend of many years, and sure enough he broke it off when she moved. She still moved because of the job opportunity, until she met this other guy who lived in another state as well. Six months later, she quit her job, moved to the other city/state, and then she all out demanded they get married. Granted, she was an extreme example of a demanding, self centered princess and so Not Rules you would scream. They are divorced today. Imagine that?6) "I want us to be friends" - This is hardly a new expression, to be sure, but I think we have to clarify a few things about this. If a man tells you that he doesn't want to be in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship with you anymore but from now on he just wants to be friends, so be it. Tell him "if that's the way you feel then there's nothing I can do about that", then walk away. If he wants to be friends, then let him contact you to go on your first "friend" outing, which you will do in maybe 1% of all cases. 99% of the time, you will never hear from him again. ALL of my and friends' previous boyfriends said this at some point, NO ONE is original no matter how unique you think you are (once again, human nature being universal). I am happy to say that I have one of my former boyfriends still today as a friend, it would have been two but one, unfortunately, died of a heart attack last year. As for the 99% who said that or will say that someday? They're with other women now, and they can be with those other women. You will have no relationship with that man in six weeks' time after he ends it. You might see him once or twice again, but the reason you do is because loneliness propels us to do things we wouldn't otherwise. Quite honestly, who cares? He doesn't deserve you or your friendship and he would rather have a trash.There is an intro that says more or less that if you are not interested in having a serious relationship with someone due to your age or circumstances, then you are not ready to take these Rules seriously. Good advice, and ones you should follow. If you are not looking for Mr. Right then you shouldn't do these updated or older Rules. Go out and have a good time and break every Rule in the book.The rest of the Rules are ones that were covered in the previous books. That is, don't get fall down, stupid drunk at parties, don't sleep with a guy ASAP, and don't act all crazy. Why? If you don't care about your street cred then have a good time. It's really best to get all that rowdiness out of your system if you need it to be out of you. Because people talk and that talk will get back to whoever you're with or your general social scene. They made mention of dressing to show a little skin. Do I agree? Well if it's 10 degrees out or 100 you are taking a certain weather risk, but keep it classy not trashy. If you dress like trash, people treat you like trash. There is something to be said about being a mystery, either in your social circle but ESPECIALLY at work. Don't friend coworkers (only former ones) so they will take information about you and use it against you or share it with someone else. Protect your privacy in any way you can. You would be surprised at what information that people will take and use against you, even trivial things.I have had many people (of all ages) tell me that I am crazy to do some of the things that have been emphasized in this book vs. "real life". That it's okay to do things like pursue the man, call him first, ask the guy out, etc. They accuse me of playing games with people, that I am not honest about my feelings with the other person, etc. And after much trial and error, I can tell you that we have been talk showed to death to be this way. This is RIGHT, others are WRONG. This is about good communication skills. If the man asks to continue the evening, I decline and say I have other things to do. If he waits until 10 pm on Saturday night to ask if I am busy that night, I have other things I am doing. A man understands that I have other things going on and I will not drop everything at a moment's notice to be with him. He can WORK for it. He should be happy to be with me, not the other way around. I do not demand things, any man would be happy to be with me. If he thinks otherwise, he can find someone else who is easier, who he'll get tired of, feel unappreciated, and then sit there and think "I wish I was with that other gal who I threw away like garbage." FACT.Some have argued that the writers of this book assume one thing : that human nature is universal. And know what? With only a few variations, they are right. We all think that we are unique or we are the only ones who go through certain things in life, but we're really not. Then when we are faced with certain things, we think that we can somehow make it better or change it, or change ourselves to be better somehow. You must accept certain things about yourself and others, and they are not always pleasant things either. I have said this before and will say it again, whether or not we are talking about The Rules or some other dating guide : if you have not heard from him within the first 24 - 48 hours after the first get together, you will not hear from him again. And it must be a PHONE CALL NOT A TEXT MESSAGE. Texting is a passive means of communication, not a direct one. If he texts, it is going to sputter out and go no where after a few days. If he calls you anytime after the 48 hour marker, that means he sort of likes you, you might even have a second get together with him, but he doesn't really care if you say yes or no to his request to see you again and you will not see/hear from him again after that. In the first book, they used an example of a woman who had a date with some guy and he did not contact her for another two weeks afterward. Well, what happened to that? After years of experience under my belt, probably not much. Years ago I had a get together with a guy I know from a source which I will not name. We had an afternoon of TV watching, then I did not hear from him after that. I still see him today at said source, he and I are friendly towards one another (there is no reason we have to go through life hating one another). He is my friend. He was, is and will remain my friend, but he will never be my lover. End of story. Maybe 10% of the time, the man may call you a week or so later and check up if you were waiting by the phone or he kind of liked you, you may even have a second get together with him, but he's not that serious about you. After that second get together, you will not hear from him again. Disappointed? Sure, we all are. No one likes to have their ego blown or self esteem chipped away at or treated badly, but that's life. Remember, the key to any good relationship is communication. He might argue with you that he was waiting for you (the woman) to call him for another get together, but he really isn't that serious about you if he said that. He's just looking for his own ego to be stroked by having some woman chase him. Many years ago, I decided to call a guy who I had an internet date with a few weeks before. He said he was waiting for me to contact him afterward. We had a second get together. Then, nothing. After another week or so I called him and his phone number had changed. End of story. It was over already. As for the no contact game if he has not called or is giving you a hard time about something, that works wonders. If he thinks that he can find someone better than you, then he's welcome to it, because that means he doesn't deserve you and he can find some trashy girl who does. Move on from someone who doesn't deserve you, and there are A LOT out there who do not.This book does not, however, cover one of the biggest things out there that we all need to address, which is the phrase "I love you" and biofeedback. I am not criticizing this book nor any other, but like I said, facts are facts here. If he has not said "I love you" by a certain point, he's not going to say it. EVER. Why? Because he doesn't want to say it to you. This may sound bitter, but I have been in the game long enough now to know many things, and if one party (be it the man or the woman) has not said "I love you" by a certain point, it will not be said. And God forbid, if one person says it and the other person does not respond with an "I love you too", then it's over with. A harsh blow, to be sure, but that's how it is. The "I love you" could come within the first six weeks or so, but if he hasn't said it by the six month marker, that's when it's done. There is also a certain something called biofeedback between two people. Once you have reached the six month marker with someone, they start to get strange thinking "I am in this for the long haul". If they decide to be with you after that, so be it. The next will come at the year and a half / two year marker. I have had three serious relationships in my adult life (not counting my high school sweetheart), and with all of them, once you reach the year and a half / two year marker, have bailed. Why? That's when you are truly committed, and they don't want to commit. All with the exception of one (as far as I know) rebounded, met and married the next one barely a year later after breaking it off, and two of the three are divorced from the women they left me for today. Are they original? Of course not.So the ulitmate question, as always, is, do they work? And the answer, of course, is YES they work. This will help you weed out the desirable from the undesirable aka a man who is interested in you verses a man who is not interested / not that into you. The first person who shows interest is not always the one you want to be with for a variety of reasons. But proceed with some caution and good judgement. These rules are good if you are in the initial stages of dating, not for someone you have been with for the long term. There are so many times you can say you are busy when you are actually not. You can't stay busy and unavailable forever. There are some exceptions like contacting in case of an emergency. If he cancels on you without a very good excuse, then he's not worth your time. And if he cancels, he has to rearrange for a make up time. These Rules apply to things very much at the beginning of every relationship. Further down the road? Yes, in a case by case basis. Just recently, I was with someone for about six months, at some point he and I just stopped communicating. Move on. These books are about happiness - because in the end all you have is you. Why would you want to whine about a man who is so mean or disrespectful towards you that he treats you like garbage rather than his lover? The ultimate goal, I think we all agree, is to be happy with yourself. Unfortunately, this means remaining single forever and becoming more bitter as time goes on, but that's better than the alternative of unhappiness with someone who doesn't care for you. And keep that glimmer of hope alive within you that maybe someday, somehow there will be someone out there who is, after all, for you rather than trash. These books (with the exception of Rules for Marriage as that's a different ballgame) are good for the initial / beginning stages of your relationship in order to find the man who wants to be with you.The basic message is "ignore him and he'll like you, act like you like him and he'll be turned off." And the answer, after much trial and error, is yes. Don't be too open with him, even in a long term relationship, keep him guessing. Strange but true, this is how people operate.

There are those who say that The Rules are outdated and sexist, and I really do get it.. it can definitely come across that way. I read a few parts where I rolled my eyes, for sure. However, you learn that you’re rolling your eyes at men, not this book. They speak the truth, and although there might be men who don’t care what you look like, who immediately get feelings for you without really knowing who you are.. do you really want that guy? If so, then honestly, good for you, but I wanted to date on a better playing field, find a successful and handsome man whom I could share intellectual discovery and passion without my being tossed away yet again.To tell you specifics on how The Rules helped me: I begun a relationship with a man who lives in a different state (terrible idea, I’m aware..) and it was excellent and exciting in the beginning. He pursued me with fervor and we were both terribly attracted to each other. Within a month, I had feelings for him and started making the typical mistakes. I was too needy, too clingy, too open, and the dynamic shifted. All of a sudden, I was pursuing him instead of him softly whispering “don’t forget me.. I want to spend all my time with you”, as he had many times in the beginning. I started receiving one word texts, he never called me, and instead of him texting me every day, I found myself initiating communication and desperately missing him. The power dynamic had drastically shifted.. and he noticed. I cried to myself, and I mourned what I knew was him pulling away. I had already read The Rules, but obviously had not followed them. So, I reread the book, in which they say “it’s never too late to start following The Rules” and I vowed to take back control. I started to follow The Rules without deviation. Sure enough, after a bit of time, he came crawling back. Yet, I still followed The Rules, and was determined to again make myself a goddess in his eyes, the way I once was. We’re now in a great relationship, we’re open with each other and there is never-ending passion and communication.At the end of the day, while The Rules talks about how to carry yourself, how you should act, how you should look, it’s ultimately to empower you as a woman, not for the man you’re trying to get. The real beauty in my relationship occurred after I took back my confidence in myself, treating myself with respect, taking care of myself, and looking in the mirror without fear, but with pride.If you’re looking for a book that tells you that you’re perfect just the way you are, this is not the book for you, and that’s okay! I wanted to get a different perspective. The irony is that an “old-fashioned” ideology has made me a more progressive, independent, and confident woman.Buy this book, and follow The Rules.