To Train Up a Child: Child Training for the 21st Century

Unlike most of the negative reviews here, I actually own and have read this book. The key point of the book is that very young children should be TRAINED. This training is not spanking, and it is not punishment. The problem with young children is that they do not have the intellectual capacity to be reasoned with. You can't explain the "big picture" to a 2 year old such that they will understand and make the correct rational decision.Here is an example: My 18 month old daughter developed a habit of throwing her heavy sippy cup onto the floor during mealtime--she liked making the clanging sound of the cup hitting the hard floor. So after ~1 week of increasing frequency of the cup hitting the floor, my wife and I decided that it was time to start training her. Here is how it works:- We got a long slender switch (perhaps ~1/8" thick) such that it would give a sharp sting.- Whenever our daughter dropped the sippy cup, we would cheerfully say "no" with a smile, and give a swat to her hand/arm.It took about a dozen total swats to her hand over the course of 2 days worth of mealtimes, and she simply stopped dropping the cup--permanently (she is ~3 1/2 years old now). There was no anger, no yelling, there were no negative words, just a simple cheerful "no" accompanied by a swat on the hand. Take careful note that she was not being punished for dropping the cup--after all, she was 18 months old, and there is no way that she could possibly realize that there is anything wrong with dropping her cup, and in fact, the cup's dropping was merely a minor annoyance.The point of the above example is to show that the primary use of the switch is to TRAIN. If your child is well trained from a very young age, there will be far less cause for spanking/punishment as they grow older. That is the main point of the book.The alternate choice is to believe that it is cruel to ever use physical pain on a young child. If you believe this, then there is absolutely no way that you can ever train a young child. As your untrained young child grows older and begins to understand the world, he will gradually understand that he doesn't actually have to obey. In my opinion, if you do not train young children, you are essentially teaching them disobedience.Now people always bring up the issue of abuse. The simple fact is that switching leaves small red marks (if any), and does no physical harm. Neither does the mild temporary physical pain from switching cause any emotional harm. What does cause emotional harm to a child? Hateful/ugly/negative/hurtful words and facial expressions from their parent(s). I can't say that I have ever seen parents switching their children in public, but I routinely see parents cussing at their children, speaking in ugly/hurtful tones, and making the most ugly faces towards their children. Parents are supposed to show love to their children--not hate. What do you think it does to children when their own parents show hate towards them? It shows the child that the love of their parent is conditional, unreliable and probably fickle. The child will often see what they interpret as "hate" from their parent, but will simply not understand why. This child grows up with no one who they can trust or rely on--and they will often develop an increasingly dysfunctional love/hate relationship with their parents.---I am not saying that training/spaking will always work in all situations for every child, but rather that in general, for young children, it is generally far less cruel than other options--either not training, or training via emotional abuse.The book is certainly not perfect. It is written from an Amish perspective--obviously, since I am not Amish, I don't necessarily agree with everything. Neither do I trust this (or any) author without question. However, I think that the book has some wisdom which is a nice antidote to the "spanking = abuse" mindset so prevalent today. It is simply a must read for any parent with young children. Don't let this be end of your research into how to be a good parent towards each of your individual children, but don't ignore it either.

We LOVE LOVE LOVE this book. As somebody who has actually read this book, I can honestly say it has changed our family! We were introduced to the Pearls by a friend. Let me tell you the story. She had a 9 month old daughter who reached out to touch a plug but pulled her hand back when her mother(my friend) said in a kind way: "no". There was no picking up the child and moving her away only to have the child kick and scream or having mom repeat herself 20 times and then get angry. I was SO impressed! As I was engaged to be married, I told my fiance that we had to find out how they had trained their child to obey so well and so young before we had children of our own. We asked and they shared the Pearls with us and we have been blessed by their ministry for the past 13.5 years as that is when this little incident took place.I think one should look at the children of the Pearls to see that they are not child abusers. Their children do NOT hate their parents, but love and honor them. Here is a quote from their oldest daughter from several years ago:"My name is Rebekah Anast. I am the firstborn daughter of Michael and Debi Pearl, the authors of the best-selling book To Train Up a Child.In every society there are “movers and shakers,” those people who call the media, make the stories (or the stink, as the case may be) and bring about changes that effect the thousands of ambivalent and, often clueless, masses. Some of these movers and shakers have the good of the masses in mind, others are simply angry, irrational people that need attention and like to make a scene. Unfortunately, the media thrives on these sensation-makers, and is quick to poison the waters of truth if the poison is offered on the silver platter of a “hot story.”How do we combat the irrational and unfounded sensationalism that would poison the waters of our communities? With truth. If the media wants a story, give them the truth. Let them know that we are very aware of the lies and sensation being spread — but that we’re not afraid of it, because we know the truth.These sensational story-tellers say that Michael and Debi Pearl teach child abuse, the subjection of women, and general injustice.I would know (I am their daughter) whether their techniques are violent and unjust, or loving and temperate. I would know if the result is an emotionally damaged and fearful child, or a creative, successful, happy adult. I would know, yes, better than any one of these angry people, whether Michael and Debi Pearl are barbaric child abusers, or loving, successful parents.Every type of abuse leaves evidence to prove its occurrence, whether it be a mark on the spirit or the body. Let me give you the evidence that is me:I am 32 years old, married and the mother of three children. I am the happiest person I know, and my life is full of fruit; my own three very happy, balanced children who are completely sound in body and mind.I have written articles, books, screenplays, and traveled the world for 4 years, meeting new people, eating new food, ministering to those in need, and loving life. I always returned to my favorite place and my favorite people... my family.I married a wonderful man who is worth every moment of reverence and honor I give him; he is my best friend and only lover.I have very few bad memories of childhood, all of which I can recall clearly; my dog dying, my hand getting cut on a fresh pine board, my brother being stung by bees, and my father’s grief over a friend’s suffering. That’s all that I can recall.I remember only one spanking. I remember it because I laughed all the way through it, and so did my Dad. I had played a prank that was dangerous, but funny, and fully deserved a spanking for it, but my parents were unable to spank me without laughing. That is the only spanking I clearly remember. The others were so well-deserved my conscience was able to write off the memory once the deed was paid for.I was never injured in body or spirit by the training I received. I was never “struck” in anger. I did receive non-injurous spankings on my fully clothed backside with a willow switch when I had clearly transgressed a known “law” of the house. These spankings did not leave bruises or abrasions, or emotional distress.I learned by the gentlest way possible that foolishness has consequences and wise choices make life comfortable. This training has literally saved my life and I am eternally grateful to both my parents for using a literal rod to train my flesh to make wise choices.My brothers and sisters were my best friends growing up. We did everything together; swimming, playing, working. We usually got in trouble together too, and when spankings were due, they were due all around. However, trouble was hard to find, as either Mom or Dad was almost always with us, joining in the fun, the projects, and the learning. From dancing in the rain, to building forts, to learning to ride a bike; they were there, so much a part of my life.A person is innocent until proven guilty. I have proof that Michael and Debi Pearl are wise and loving parents: I am the proof, and every one of my siblings would agree with me.Almost everything we (my parents) have ever written is available online for FREE on nogreaterjoy.org; and everything else is as inexpensive as possible while still allowing No Greater Joy to operate as a non-profit organization, geared toward helping thousands of parents and children.A lot of information about the Pearl’s on the internet is simply taken out of context or completely misquoted. Look up the quotes on nogreaterjoy.org for yourself and make sure your source isn’t lying or misconstruing the truth. It’s important to the homeschool movement that we be accountable for our views, instead of blindly following the loudest sensationalist, or giving them credibility of any kind. "I think this speaks for itself. I have also seen and read all of their 5 children praising, thanking and honoring their parents as well.Furthermore, Here are actual quotes from the book that warn against abuse. None of the media chooses to include these.“Train up—not beat up. Train up—not discipline up.” “A child needs more than ‘obedience training’, but without first training him, discipline is insufficient” (page 4).“Disciplinary actions can easily become excessive and oppressive if you set aside the tool of training and depend on discipline alone to do the training” (page 9).“Parent, have you trained yourself not to discipline immediately but to wait until your irritation builds into anger? If so, then you have allowed anger to become your inducement to discipline” (page 25).“Parent, if you are having problems with your children, you can be assured that you are not alone. Your children are also having problems with you. You are going to have to make adjustments in your own life if you are going to help them with their problems.” “… the responsibility for making a significant change is completely yours” (page 32).“There are always some who act in the extreme. These individuals are capable of using what has been said about the legitimate use of the rod to justify ongoing brutality to their children” (page 50).“The rod should never be a vent for parents’ anger. Where the supreme motivation is anything other than the child’s good, it is inevitable that such behavior by the parent will assuredly create problems” (page 51).We thank God for the Pearls!

Que buen libro ,todas las críticas sobre este libro son falsas !!!Estupenda guía para todos aquellos que lo leen con el deseo de criar unos hijos cristianos y a mi parecer no es malo sino muy práctico si se usa con amor!!

Um livro prático, com excelentes colocações. Uma boa coletânea de dicas de diversos conhecidos do autor e dicas de sua própria vivência como pai.

I was hesitant in reading this book based on some of the reviews but I really found it a very interesting book, you can take some good ideas and leave what you don't think would work for your family but overall I was encouraged to be consistent in my parenting and being present and loving in my home which I don't think is overwhelmingly common in a modern family

I purchased this book after reading and enjoying "Created to be His Helpmeet". I am a Christian parent of many children, and never considered anything other than corporeal punishment (which, by the way, I think still has a time and place), but after thoroughly reading this book cover-to-cover twice through, and then discussing it in depth with my husband, pastor, and a trusted older TItus 2 mentor, I URGE YOU, CHRISTIAN MOTHER, DO NOT READ THIS BOOK. Please, before you waste your $ and time, at least watch the video review on YouTube by Zsuzsanna Anderson, or watch a few of the parenting vlogs by Joyful Chaos. They are two very different women with different ways of practicing their Faith and different ways of raising their children, but both their styles are grounded in LOVE for their children. I'm now certain that this book is so popular BECAUSE IT PREYS ON YOUNG MOTHERS. Young mothers with many small children are in the trenches, so to speak, and are looking for a magic bullet to just make their days easier. They're tired. They're sleep-deprived. They've been fed the lie that "Good Christian parents have well-behaved children who obey their every command." If their baby squirms in church, it's because they're a bad parent. If their toddler is having a hard time playing with others, or pitches a fit in the grocery store, it's because they're a bad parent, and probably also a bad Christian. MOTHERS, DO NOT BELIEVE THESE LIES. This book is not advocating corporeal punishment -- it advocates abuse. It advocates the use of shame, pain, anger, and fear to coerce children into compliance. Compliance is NOT respect. You will not gain the eternal result you are looking for by using the methods described in this book. Please look elsewhere for guidance. Find a Titus 2 woman who has PEACE and JOY on her face when with her children, and ask her for help, guidance, and advice. Find a few good YouTube mothers to learn from -- just off the top of my head, Zsuzsanna Anderson, Joyful Chaos, Angela Braniff, The Sister Show, Jamerrill Stewart, Amy Maryon, Kristi Clover, AFarmhouseFull... pick a few and absorb their calm. Watch them interact with their children. Listen to their advice. Basically, I'd be happy if you listened to ANYONE'S advice before Michael Pearl's!

This book came to my attention just before the BBC article about it, and all of the negative reviews on Amazon. There seems to be a co-ordinated campaign to have it removed from Amazon at the moment, and I too have written to Amazon.co.uk to request this. I noticed that hardly any of the reviews were of certified Amazon purchases, and have mostly been written in the past few days, which makes me suspect that most of the reviewers have not actually read the book. I therefore bought a copy, much as I hate to spend even small amounts of money on rubbish like this, and much as I hate putting even a few coppers into the hands of people like Michael and Debi Pearl.Well, even those reviewers who haven't read the book have got their reviews just about right. This book is truly awful. It is not a general book on parenting, but focuses on physical punishment of children as young as four months, advising parents to hit them with implements from thin switches (for babies) to belts and larger tree branches for older children. They call this 'training' rather than punishment, the aim being to produce a child who will always respond with immediate and unquestioning obedience to the parent's commands. They claim that this does not amount to child abuse, but then they have a non-standard definition of child abuse. I worked in a Local Authority child protection team until my retirement two years ago, and can say with some authority that any parent found to be using the methods advocated in this book would have their children removed from them and be charged by the police for the offences perpetrated against them. The pearls advocate repeated and merciless beating (sorry, that should be switching, spanking or whipping - they don't advocate beating) of children until the child is thoroughly subdued. It is hard to imagine animals being trained with such cruelty. Such treatment may indeed produce quiet, compliant, 'well behaved' children (I have seen many such children during the course of my career in child protection) although they will not be the free, independent moral agents that we would like our children to become, but Pavlovian automatons.The Pearls justify their actions by appealing to the Bible. This is easy to do, as many Bible texts in the New as well as Old Testament advocate the physical chastisement of children. The Bible also commands the killing of homosexuals, disrespectful children and Sabbath breakers as well as mass genocide (remember Jericho and the Amalekites) and the use of rape as a weapon of war. Most Christians would not claim that these commands are binding in the 21st century. Perhaps the Pearls would.Many have called for the book to be banned. I am against the banning of books, but I'm not against calling on Amazon to withdraw this book from sale, which is a different thing. There are plenty of other places people can get it if they really want to. If Amazon refuse to withdraw it, perhaps they could at least make a donation to the NSPCC for every copy sold. Ideally I would like to see a few copies preserved in libraries so that in years to come scholars will be able to study it and marvel at the barbarity of certain fundamentalist Christians at the turn of the 21st century.The book has so far been implicated in the deaths of at least three children. It would be a tragedy if that number were to increase because of its easy availability on Amazon. So come on, Amazon, withdraw this book now. And as for Mr & Mrs P, I think you know what I would like to do to them. Oh yes you do.