His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage

This is a really special book, and I am hoping that Amazon continues to make this product available for purchase. I bought two hard cover copies and was a little distressed to see that it is already temporarily out of stock! Really hoping it becomes available soon because I have a LIST of persons to give this to. I am currently engaged and my dad borrowed this book from our church library for me to read. Wasn't too interested at first, but then I began to read this book (Had never heard of it before)... and was so surprised and gutted at the same time. Wow - this drove so many truths right down into my being - it was amazing how much I felt that this was something both my fiance and I NEEDED... And we have read it together and spoken about it countless times. Also, in addition to dealing with our own issues, when our friends are going through rough times in their marriages, we can actually UNDERSTAND the difficulties they face. Marriage is no easy relationship - and that is an understatement when we look all around us. Thanks to the author of this book we are going into our marriage later this year, with our eyes open to many things that we did not understand before - matters that seemed vague and seemingly trivial are not so AT ALL. For me personally, it was like the pieces of a puzzle coming together - in my 35 years of existence as a human being and some previous relationship experiences - there are some things here that became much clearer and things I wish I had understood before. Dr. Harley shows the five top-order emotional needs of men and women and how each can meet the other's needs, in the context of 'affair-proofing' your marriage. Also, what stood out for me was that these needs are VERY different and therefore requires understanding, patience and WORK. But what you can begin to experience after reading this book, understanding the concepts, accepting and applying them, can make your relationship PHENOMENAL. My fiance and I have become closer and our interactions with each other have significantly improved our relationship (more love 'deposits' in our love banks - go read it for yourself!). Also, I found some of Dr. Harley's videos on youtube.com: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UGjriUcN39Q - This is the first in a six video series. I sent these to a couple of my colleagues, and they have nothing but the most outstanding reviews to give on these videos and want to purchase the book. Thank you Amazon for making this available!... and please... we want more! :)

Let me start by stating that I am a divorced woman, not because of an affair, but due to an unfortunate combination of accident and mental illness that befell my former husband. Prior to the incidents, our marriage was great, so I considered myself to be an expert on how to have a successful marriage, since it wasn't for any of the "usual" reasons that we divorced. My first experience with dating after marriage made me realize that even if I know what it theoretically takes to make a marriage work, I had very little knowledge about how to find the right partner. So, why would I read a book like this in my situation? Because my sister told me to! Okay, maybe that's a silly reason, but it really does come down to it. On the advice of a friend, she read this book and "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura just before she met, dated, and then married her husband. She recommended them to me because they helped her to have the right mindset of how to handle the balance of "his needs" and "her needs" that comes up in any relationship. She was able to make sure that she recognized and met his needs, and then communicated to him what her needs were. After reading this book, I agree with her that it is a great book to read for anyone who wants to be in a relationship and to make it work. Knowing and respecting what is important to one's partner is essential, especially because so often men and women have different needs. Having this knowledge of these needs is incredibly helpful as I venture out into the dating world again, because it helps me to have a great framework to build my evaluation of potential partners from. I'm currently in a relationship, and it has definitely helped me to keep perspective. These concepts will be helpful in marriage, but they are also helpful before the marriage happens. It's a great book, and an interesting read with great information.

I would give this book 10 stars if I could. I have not been happy in my marriage for many years. This book helped me identify my needs and also my husband's. I was able to have a very open and honest conversation about these things with him. With this book I really think we are the road to healing, happiness and love. Highly recommend!

This book has some great ideas in it but is flawed by some small weird stuff too. I love the pragmatism about accepting needs as needs and giving details about exactly how to meet them. Another gem from this book is the concept of "no sacrifice negotiation" for the meeting of those needs. That means that a couple should negotiate how to meet each others needs but never accept a solution that requires a sense of sacrifice for either partner. The author is surprisingly ahead of his time when he comments that on average these are male and female needs but that each relationship is unique. He is willing to accept that as the social context changes, so do male and female needs and preferences. Both men and women are respected equally in most parts of this book. There are a few glitches of course. He seems to think that it is easy to lose weight if your partner desires it and that sacrificing good food is acceptable in some cases. He actually recommends that if a husband values physical appearance in his wife, that she should eat 3 300 calorie tv dinners a day to slim down. This seems pretty oblivious to me in so many ways. Also he recommends that if the husband doesn't want to do housework, that it is the wife's responsibility to farm it out to the kids or an employee. This also seems like a nuts idea. But these are small glitches in a unique, powerful and helpful book. I benefited from much of his advice and felt my needs were validated on many levels. Also, using the "no sacrifice" idea helped me and my husband negotiate more creatively and without fear.

Love Busters and His Needs Her Needs are the best two books for any marriage at any stage. Old, Middle aged or Young. I have purchased these books and have given them away to so many people. I wish my husband and I had these books when we were first married .... it would have made a WORLD of difference. Instead, we just handled our problems by trial and error when we could have had the "proper language" to be able to "understand" each other and our differences. These books give you the "tools" to be able to communicate without fighting. If each person has a willing heart and wants to keep their marriage read these books... follow the advice and you will be amazed. There is only one prerequisite and that is BOTH spouses need to read the book(s) and discuss as they read. If only one reads it and tries to explain the concept to the other it really doesn't have the same impact. Both have to be willing to put the time in and work at it. It'll pay off a hundred-fold! If you are interested in more than just reading these books look into Dynamic Marriage classes. These classes use the His Needs Her Needs book and you will love them. I use the advice in both of these books WEEKLY as I receive many of my friends complaining about a situation in their marriage. There's just about nothing it doesn't cover. Our nation is falling apart because our families are falling apart with divorce. His Needs Her Needs helps keep a couple together so they will not fall prey to the "falling out of love" phase and "I never should have married this person" cliche'. They are practical and worth every minute of your time.

Not all reviewers see the value in this book, but as someone who has been sleeping on the couch for three months, this book accurately described what I feel has been unmet needs in my relationship. I was also able to identify needs that are important to my husband that also have been unmet. I understand some of the criticisms regarding this book as being too religiously based or too outdated, but I disagree. I am not religious at all and I did not find that this book was based on religion, but the writer's vast experience counselling couples. In my opinion, outdated or not, these things are still important to people in relationships. You can argue that it is appalling how the writer portrays men as sex craved teenagers, but the reality is that sex IS important to many men and that much research has indicated a marriage lacking sex is a marriage in trouble (I know that is true in my marriage). You may be tempted to dismiss my opinion because I have been sleeping on my couch for months and have yet to put Dr. Harley's theories in practice, but what I read in this book mirrored the things that led me to the couch; the very things I have been trying to convey to my husband to heal our relationship. I am confident that if he keeps an open mind that he will understand more clearly my needs as well as his own.

I bought the CD version, since I drive for hours every day, and wanted to do something productive while driving. This is absolutely amazing!! I am impressed with the way the author talks about Affairs so openly, without judgments, but with wisdom. Walks you through so many different scenarios, examples in the day to day life that makes you really think whether what you are doing is right or wrong, and the way it should be communicated. I personally think that one of the main problems we have nowadays is that people forget relationships NEED WORK.!! I often hear and notice that it seems easier for people to destroy than build, to avoid than work for. This book gives you so many different stories that may sound familiar, but the point is what to do to keep your relationship in the right track. It also speaks openly about the women vs men mindset and different interests the way the are: the fact you don't think it is important, doesn't mean he/she will perceive it the same way. Even for things that people don't talk about too often such as the men need for sex and physical attraction. Now I believe I should buy the book, so I can underline and work on the questions, discussions, etc. Great book, a must read for all couples, whether you have been together for a year or a hundred years!!!

I love reading the one star reviews from disgruntled divorced people (or soon to be divorced people) for this book. Its very telling. In fact, we gave it to a neighbor whose marriage seemed to be struggling and she HATED IT!. Felt like it was so sexist. (her words) 6 months later we found out the husband had an affair shortly after she read it! I've noticed how many single/divorced people hang out with other people who cant stay in a relationship and go on and on about what a good man/woman "should be like". And once they find that person, they'll have a lasting relationship. Sad thing is.. no one is how they "should be". Very few dudes are going to stay true if they are not getting sex. Thats just reality. Very few girls are going to stay kind and patient if they're not getting help with the things they want help (kids etc) and getting genuine romance. Its just the reality of most men and women. Its not for us to judge the desires of our spouse and think their desires are 'sexist' or 'unfair & bitchy'. Its for us to work at meeting those needs, whatever they are, in a fair and mutually fulfilling way.

Davvero eccellente; Ho trovato il libro estremamente chiaro, pratico, applicabile alla vita di tutti i giorni e a tuttle le coppie (sia a quelle in difficolta' che coppie felicemente sposate anche da lungo tempo) E' sicuramente uno di quei libri da tener vicino per rileggerlo almeno una volta l'anno..

Best having a great marriage book I’ve read. Really excellent at expressing the important aspects of the marital relationship and how to express each other’s needs respectfully and how best to meet those needs and have a loving caring fantastic marriage. Great for a tuneup too even if you already have s great marriage.

My wife and I are enjoying it.

Nicht nur für jene Paare, die eine Affäre verhindern oder abwenden wollen, sondern für alle, die ihre Beziehung nachhaltig verbessern und bereichern möchten. Mein Mann und ich studieren dieses Buch förmlich seit einem halben Jahr! Wir haben enorm viel daraus mitgenommen. Jedes Kapitel enthält zum Schluss Fragen für Sie, Ihn und beide. Wir haben beim Beantworten der Fragen sehr viele aufrichtige Gespräche geführt und uns viel besser kennen gelernt. Auch die weiterführenden Ressourcen, die der Autor anführt, lohnen sich immens. Wir sind begeistert und möchten das Buch jährlich erneut durchblättern.

Es un libro sin desperdicio pienso que toda pareja debería leerlo al menos una vez en su vida.